Before I had LB, I used to look at some of the weird shit parents would do and promise myself that if I ever had kids I would never behave like that. You know the kind of thing I mean- parents who licked their finger and used it to clean their child's face, parents who were late all the time and rushed into restaurants covered in bogies and with unwashed hair, parents who sang to their babies on the bus, subjecting the whole world to out of tune songs with made up words. No sir. I would be a model parent who always observed the usual rules of socially acceptable behaviour.
Yeah...no. Here are some of the mental things I have done as a parent just in the last 24 hours. Be warned, most of them involve bodily fluids.
1. Picked someone else's nose...and really enjoyed it. God it's so satisfying pulling massive bogeys out of LB's schnoz. There's an added element of challenge too because her nose is tiny and she moves her head a lot. When I finally manage it I feel like such a champ. You know, once I've checked that no one saw me.
2. Not got changed after being thrown up on. LB has reflux which means she throws up a lot. Like a lot a lot. After each feed she'll puke three or four times, sometimes as much as an hour after she's eaten, so it can catch you by surprise. I just don't have the energy (or the laundry facilities) to cope with getting changed every time, so if it's localised to one area I generally rub it in and get on with my life.
3. Closely inspected the contents of a nappy and got excited about it. LB is weaning and her nappies usually contain identifiable chunks of whatever she's eaten. Nappy ID is weirdly fun and provides a lot of info about what's been swallowed vs what's been smeared into the walls.
4. Picked up my baby and smelled her bum. I'm not talking a delicate little whiff either, I'm talking about burying my nose right in there and taking an enormous sniff. I don't know why I thought I wouldn't do this. Literally every parent does it because the alternative is taking off the baby's trousers and pulling open the leg of their nappy. This strategy is a faff and, if the nappy is full, usually results in poo fingers.
5. Breastfed in a public toilet. Not because I'm embarrassed to feed in public- when Little Bear was younger I used to do it all the time. But now she is so easily distracted that she won't feed for more than a second or two unless there's literally nothing else to do. And that includes looking at interesting wallpaper and lights. So when we're out I sometimes do resort to the toilets. 6 months ago me would be horrified.
6. Discussed poo at the dinner table...with people who are not directly related to, or interested in LB. See point 3.
7. Made really weird faces while feeding my child. Have you ever seen the bit in The Incredibles when the mum is feeding JackJack and the two older kids are embarassed because she kind of mimics his mouth movements and makes a strange 'aahhhhh ooooommm' noise? No? You should, it's funny. It's also exactly what I do when LB eats. I can't even help myself, it's a totally involuntary thing. Weird.
So what about you? I can't be alone in doing totally unacceptable and socially awkward things now that I'm a parent right? Right? Tell me yours and make me feel better!